Category: Life Tips

I have one ex-teen, one teen, and one almost teen. I KNOW teen. Teen is the poster child for chaos. It teaches so much. It\’s a class in complexity science, self-actualization, and patience.

Teens are undergoing an astonishing transformation, from the little one that you held in an arm easily to someone who\’s asking for your car keys. I probably won\’t recover or understand what\’s happened fully until they\’re all gone and I\’m sitting on a park bench somewhere feeding pigeons.

What I learned so far is that it is not just the kids that need to transform during this time.  If parents are to retain sanity, they need to transform as well.  It\’s tricky, since by the time they\’re teens or tweens, you\’ve been a parent for a while.  You got them through the scary childhood, where you were deathly afraid of their…well..death.  They can fend for themselves a bit now. You did it!

Yet the work isn\’t yet done. Not by a long shot.  You realize this when your teen or tween turns away an affectionate kiss, or goes to their room angry for the first time.  Their rejection of you surprises you at first, you weep over old pictures, and then eventually you get to the math of the situation, e.g. they are fourteen and in four short years they have to be functional citizens. Then you (I) flip out and go into Boss Mode. We try to break it to the younger generations that life is tough, and you got to engage, to work, to have grit, to learn, and know the game.  Then folks like Simon Sinek come along and tell us we\’ve basically ruined them all by giving them iPhones.  ( Parenting is GREEEEAAAT 🙂 )

In the midst of this complex journey of parenting teens, parents will have interesting moments, conversations where they challenge you, hopefully in the right way, with their ideas. One that sticks out to me today, the day after the 59th Grammy\’s, is a semi-heated debate about Rap music I had with my two eldest children a few years back.

Understand that I am still, in general, not a fan of rap. I\’m a Prog Rock guy ( RUSH! YES! KANSAS!). I presented my position to my children, that rap was misogynistic, drug-fuel, violence-encouraging trash. Harsh? I may have actually said those very words, because that has been my experience with it, and I\’m not alone. After a few Google queries on \’misogynistic rap\’ I would post what I found but it\’s simply too much horribleness to even link to. Do the research yourself. You\’ve been warned.

Of course I know that many rockers have had this trait as well. My bands of choice did not, but that\’s me. It seemed that rap was just so in your face about it, as this quote neatly sums up:

\”But in hip-hop, the misogyny tends to be much more explicit, even if it is born of the same toxic mix of fragile male egos, accepted gender roles, double standards, and entitlement. It shouldn’t be news that rappers of the ’80s and ’90s could often be unapologetically misogynistic.\” – STEREO WILLIAMS, The Daily Beast, 2015

It was this position that I espoused to my youngsters, and they pushed back, saying that things have changed and that all rap isn\’t like that, etc. etc.  I set down a challenge – show me rap that isn\’t awful crap. Show me.

And they did. I think I got Kendrick Lamar, Chance the Rapper, and select Kanye ( Ultralight Beams – smart kids), sent to me in Rhapsody links. I listened, then more, and I started getting it. Then the Grammy\’s last year, Kendrick showed me the pains of Black america by coming out in chains. It was a powerful, shocking visual, highlighting for me how far we have to go, throwing dissonance into my world that had the election of Obama pegged as the symbolic end of Racism. With Kendrick I had to plow past all of the triggers that would have sent me on my way, so that I could understand what my kids were saying. For example, the album cover is threatening, as it shows a bunch of shirtless African Americans sitting on a dead white judge. It\’s tough to get past that, but he does talk about it here, and I get it.

However, it was Chance that changed it all for me. His bold claim of the love of God and Christ, his insistence of an intense positivity, and his adoration of life are simply astonishing. In case you missed it, check it out here:

https://www.facebook.com/chancetherapper/videos/1238555556236506/

Now, Chance is also not an angel (who is?), having some drugs and stuff in his past, but he\’s only 23. He just finished being a teenager himself, and I pray that he will be able to avoid the snares of drugs that take so many of our youth. I think he will. I hope he\’s a harbinger of a new direction of rap – both real enough to be relevant and true, but positive enough to get a wide audience to the issues.

I learned all of this from my teenagers. They had a different angle than I did. My data was old. My models were wrong, or at least not totally right. I was open, just enough to see what they were telling me.

On occasion, I will actually try a new rapper.  Often I\’m disappointed, but once in a while I get a nice song here and there. But there\’s more to it than that. As readers might know I, like Chance, am a Christian. Indeed, I hold that Christianity is basically the only thing that can save us. Only in Christ can we love unconditionally. He has to show us how.

So finding Chance is a big deal for me. If an award-winning member of the rap community can preach hope and faith, so can I. Moreover, I can be open to their message, their pain. I can hear, like I heard my own children, of a different truth. There\’s a future for the USA in a Chance the Rapper world.

What did I learn? Being open to those who have different viewpoints than you is a huge leg up. While holding onto what you believe, you can graft on the strength of another, and you get stronger, better, more adaptable. Staying open is key to wisdom and, by extension, happiness.

Recently, I attended an Agile training class in downtown Seattle, close to Lake Union.  For those not from the area, don\’t fret – the actual location is irrelevant. What matters is the design of the space and how it makes you feel.

During a break, and then after the training was over, I took the opportunity to visit this building shown on the left.  I used to work there, and I was drawn to revisiting it for some reason, one that became evident the minute I walked in.

But let me step back.

About 15 years ago I worked at a company called WRQ. It was a software company that created terminal emulation software, and business was booming in the late 90\’s because of the Y2K scare.   (Note to Millennials: Y2K was a time when people thought the apocalypse was coming because computers couldn\’t handle the change of the millennia, that is when the clocks went from 1999 to 2000, because poor programs might have only two digits as years, and then 99 becomes 00, which is 1900.  Boom.  Yet, by nearly all accounts Y2K was a non-event, though HIGHLY profitable for software folks, especially cobalt developers. Cobalt was a language.  Google it.) The company primarily focused on financial software solutions.

A Beautiful Space

Anyway, I digress.  Check out this beauty. Click on the picture.  This is where I made the move to Senior Web Developer.  It was an exciting time when I started there.  It was 1999 and the Internet was hot, people were making millions, and the Y2K thing didn\’t kill us all.  I had two young kids, and this new job, a house – the whole works.  So while the building faded into the background, it worked its way into my psyche and had a big impact.

The pictures really don\’t capture the space effectively. WRQ had possessed the majority of the seven floors of this space. It was all ours.  Parties were done onsite and the owners were very family-friendly.  On the Fourth of July you be allowed to go onto the roof of the building and watch the fireworks right on Lake Union Street. WRQ sprung for a big gala at the Experience Music Project (EMP) when it was just opening. My daughter made mask, and my then toddler-aged first son ran through the hallways to trick or treat at each office, while my daughter visited with my friend Heather.  The Blue Angels practiced right outside our window. They let the whole company go to see the Matrix Reloaded. Later we lived through 9/11, where Cindy, my manager, was super supportive. We lived through a rare Seattle earthquake, where I found out how great it was to have a building on rollers.

Why do I tell you all this? Because it\’s been challenging for me to separate out why this building meant so much to me and since this blog is dedicated to finding happiness and wisdom, I figured there was a bit of gold in this experience.

The central question was this:  Was it just the good times (and bad) that I associate with the place or was it the uniqueness of the space itself? Can a building really be so special that it can be missed, like an old friend?

I have come to the conclusion that it is the space and that Space Matters.  This might sound obvious, but when I say matters, I mean matters a great deal, with the potential to create strong emotions years later, a powerful feeling of happiness mixed with nostalgia. There\’s power here. It does make sense that big events might cause a space to matter such as the birthplace of an important person, the site of some tragic event, and so on. We can feel the energy from spaces and objects, and my learning was that even a \”regular\” office space could be this for your life.

I have rejected the notion that it was that time in my life that made the space special.  Why? I have zero emotions for the first building I worked at, despite the fact that it was even a more exciting time.  My very first child, a five minute drive to work, and a killer Honda Accord V-6 that I leased (pro-tip: don\’t lease).   Indeed, of all the office buildings I worked at over a 20 year span, the WRQ space stands above them all. Of course, I do not believe the feels are completely independent from the good times I had here.  It is indeed a confluence of events, yet that has to include an inspiring space.

Architecture matters

Architecture building architecture can inspire a person it can make work wider it can create an amazing memory.  Christopher Alexander, a geek-famous architect, puts it well:

\”I believe that all centers that appear in space – whether they originate in biology, in physical forces, in pure geometry, in color – are alike simply in that they all animate space. It is this animated space that has its functional effect upon the world, that determines the way things work, that governs the presence of harmony and life.\”

I wonder if this is why the old Christian leaders would put so much work into their buildings, and why other faiths continue to do so. I lament the fact that Christendom has moved away from this, at least in my lifetime (though I see evidence of great architecture in the West returning, reference the Shard in London and the new World Trade Center in New York). Great buildings show respect for both the work undertaken within them and for the people doing that work. The architecture becomes part of the conversation, a quiet participant to the systems built within their walls.

What HappyWisdom Pro Tip can you take from this?  Very simple!  Pay attention to the spaces where you\’re working in!  If you work at home, make sure your spaces is pleasant and special.  If you are choosing a job, ask about the facilities, especially if they\’re substandard. Walk through your space, see if it resonates with you, as this gem did for me.  Remember – Space Matters!

Afterword:

Of course, nothing on Earth lasts forever.  WRQ was sold to a company that pushed together it and its primary competitor at the time, Attachmate (which caused layoffs that got me in the final round)), and that entity was subsequently gobbled up by Microfocus in 2014. Sadly, one of the founders and CEO, and the \’W\’ in WRQ, Doug Walker, passed away in 2015 in an avalanche. He was a man who was well ahead of his time as a CEO, offering nursing rooms, personal offices, and other perks that .Com\’s take for granted now. The fifth floor, where I spent nearly four years, is deserted, waiting for some luck tenant.  But would it have the same magic? I have no idea, but something tells me it might not, since the space is shared with so many companies now.

The only remnant of WRQ that persists is in the Microfocus product names. I wonder if any of the code base remains from the 90s?  It\’s unlikely but that\’s not really important. Life on earth isn\’t about permanence, its about how you make people feel when you\’re together, and on this metric WRQ was an amazing success. I am unaware of what the other founders are up to, but I sincerely hope that they are doing well.  I\’ll take this opportunity to thank them all for the chance to work in such a beautiful, inspiring place, and with amazing people.

To educate yourself for the feeling of gratitude means to take nothing for granted, but to always seek out and value the kindness that will stand behind the action. Nothing that is done for you is a matter of course. Everything originates in a will for the good, which is directed at you. Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude. — Albert Schweitzer

In the SPARC system, we talk about renewal a great deal, and having gratitude and thankfulness turns out to be renewing in numerous ways. But what are three was to practice thankfulness? You felt it yesterday, but can we continue the practice of being thankful without the federally-supported holiday?
Now that we\’re in the post-turkey tryptophan induced hangover, its time to reflect on the practice of gratefulness beyond Thanksgiving.

1. Keep a Journal

According to an analysis of studies at University of Massachusetts, if you merely journal about the things your grateful for, it\’ll make a lot of difference in other parts of your life, including exercise and illness: \”People who keep gratitude journals on a weekly basis have been found to exercise more regularly, have fewer physical symptoms, feel better about their lives as a whole, and feel more optimistic about their upcoming week as compared to those who keep journals recording the stressors or neutral events of their lives.\”

2.  Talk to People about Gratitude

As an introvert (get energy by being alone with my thoughts), this one is tough – daily discussion. You see, I don\’t like the phone much, so my gratitude is normally aimed at those around me, like family members. But our friends at UMass say this works, and when combined with other methods, is sufficient.  Of course I started this blog and the whole LifeSPARCS system, its an outlet for expressing gratitude.  Pro-tip – Ask people about their days in a different way. Instead of \”how was your day\”  ask, What was the best part of your day today?\”, or \”What is one thing that made you feel really happy today. What are the benefits? Anywhere from higher levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, energy and sleep duration – so get talking!

3.  Be Alert to your surroundings

Noting the small things will provide you with the ability to renew more so than trying to buy more and more stuff.  Eventually the effect of that new house, the new car, the new sweater wears off and you\’re miserable again. Instead, notice how nice your seats are, how comfortable your bed is, or how good those black olives are at the Thanksgiving table.  Think how nice it is to have people around you today, and how empty life would be without them.  For those who aren\’t with you and you miss, be thankful for the time you did have with them, and if possible, vow to make more of an effort to call mom, sister, brother, dad, or whatever.

UMass recommends nature- \”Choose a natural object from within your immediate environment and focus on watching it for a minute or two. This could be a flower or an insect, or even the clouds or the moon.\”  I found that a nice camera with a good zoom lens helps with this.

How do you practice gratitude daily, weekly? How did you habituate yourself to it? I\’ll be thankful if you share below! 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving.

Many people ask me why or what kind of websites lifesparcs.com or HappyWisdom.com are? Eventually they end up jumping immediately to productivity something like Lifehacker or something like that. Yet, I\’m not necessarily using goal achievement as my…well…goal of either of these efforts. It\’s about happiness, which is attained through presence, which can be attained by finding awe in your life.  Let me explain. 

The aim of many systems is to make people happier, and the belief is that if you manage your life with intention and wisdom, you will achieve that.  We are cautioned to avoid living the unexamined life, but one must also must avoid the never-ending whack-a-mole effort that is goal achievement.  

I really think people who are too oriented towards goal achievement may run into serious existential crises. Either they fail to get there, which mean they\’re losers, or they actually achieve everything, and the question of  \”now what?\” arises.  Perhaps this is why some successful child actors have trouble later in life.

Life is an amalgam of goal setting goal attainment and presence.  That is why I call my blog \”happy wisdom\”. Wisdom begets Happiness, and Happiness begets Wisdom, and it has nothing to do with material goods. This \”happy wisdom\” can be found at any rung of the socioeconomic ladder.

Alan Watts

But how can we find more presence? Alan Watts is quoted to saying that accepting insecurity, living your life in the present, is the secret.

When I was in India I saw some of the most happy people do in their daily work that included street sweeping with the primitive brooms made of straw, people dangerously laying out crops on busy highways to get the cars to run over them, to folks in tiny rooms crafting beautiful silk.

Some of these people were the happiest people I met there. There\’s no connection material wealth and happiness providing that you\’re beyond the bottom floor of Maslow’s pyramid.  Anyway, lets check out three quotes from the excellent Brain Pickings blog: 

1. What keeps us from happiness is our inability to fully inhabit the present

My daughter and I have this running joke, albeit dark, that there\’s this giant maw waiting to consume us. We speak, of course, of death. The Giant Maw.  How can anyone be really, truly, happy when the nashing for metal teeth can be heard in distance?  Mr. Watts had the same question.

If to enjoy even an enjoyable present we must have the assurance of a happy future, we are “crying for the moon.” We have no such assurance. The best predictions are still matters of probability rather than certainty, and to the best of our knowledge every one of us is going to suffer and die. If, then, we cannot live happily without an assured future, we are certainly not adapted to living in a finite world where, despite the best plans, accidents will happen, and where death comes at the end.

Fortunately he doesn\’t leave us there.  Watts is a bit opaque, but most mystics are.  Here\’s what he says about alleviating this situation, and as much as I can gather, he\’s saying- Ignore the Maw!

\”Working rightly, the brain is the highest form of “instinctual wisdom.” Thus it should work like the homing instinct of pigeons and the formation of the fetus in the womb — without verbalizing the process or knowing “how” it does it. The self-conscious brain, like the self-conscious heart, is a disorder, and manifests itself in the acute feeling of separation between “I” and my experience. The brain can only assume its proper behavior when consciousness is doing what it is designed for: not writhing and whirling to get out of present experience, but being effortlessly aware of it.\”

2. New years resolutions make us distressed

In Mr. Watt\’s theory, we must in a way demonize part of ourselves to admit that one of me is bad, and the other me\’s mission in life is to improve the Bad Me. Check it:

“I can only think seriously of trying to live up to an ideal, to improve myself, if I am split in two pieces. There must be a good “I” who is going to improve the bad “me.” “I,” who has the best intentions, will go to work on wayward “me,” and the tussle between the two will very much stress the difference between them. Consequently “I” will feel more separate than ever, and so merely increase the lonely and cut-off feelings which make “me” behave so badly.”

3. To understand music, you must listen to it. But so long as you are thinking, “I am listening to this music,” you are not listening

So for him, this is clearly a problem, and ht talks about being insecure and unified in his experience.

“The real reason why human life can be so utterly exasperating and frustrating is not because there are facts called death, pain, fear, or hunger. The madness of the thing is that when such facts are present, we circle, buzz, writhe, and whirl, trying to get the “I” out of the experience. We pretend that we are amoebas, and try to protect ourselves from life by splitting in two. Sanity, wholeness, and integration lie in the realization that we are not divided, that man and his present experience are one, and that no separate “I” or mind can be found.”

Happiness, he argues, isn’t a matter of improving our experience, or even merely confronting it, but remaining present with it in the fullest possible sense.  But how?  I think the key lies in having a health curiosity about the world.  How can anyone not feel awe? We exist on a planet spinning through space with six billion other souls, using minds that are most complex organization of matter known linked together by a network of computers that is hard to fathom, in a universe that is all but unexplored, and we\’re not even sure how much of it works (like ,where is all this dark matter?  Light is a wave and a particle?  Quantum mechanics?) .  

Faith

 I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. – C.S. Lewis
Faith is another source of awe, which comes as no surprise. It is also another way I find presence. If I have faith that God is in my heart, that there is some indescribable positive force that has called all of this into being and that has in some way fit us into a narrative, it evokes an awe that cannot be matched.

Awe of the Mundane

But awe doesn\’t have to stem from the extreme. Check out this adorable video from \”Shots of Awe\” host Jason Silva. I\’m not sure I would call this baby a \”steak with a brain\” in front of his mom, but if you know Jason, you understand….

Along with my never-vanishing awe of my own children, I love doing new projects. Recently I started doing more significant home improvement tasks. While mundane to some, I\’m terrible at it which makes it exciting. Installing a sink has been an undiscovered country for me.  When I succeed, I can feel awe on many fronts – how easy it was to find parts, how clever people are in creating these systems, and how patient my wife can be when I have to go to Lowes…again.

Let\’s call in Albert to close it out:

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.”
— Albert Einstein

It is my belief that if you can retain a sense of awe it\’ll actually assist you in goal attainment since its easier to have grit when you\’re not existentially depressed.

How do you folks find awe in the everyday? Does that help you with presence?  Mention it below – I\’ll be in awe if you do !  🙂